Humor and Satire

“Grab the ring before she wakes up , Josh.”

“No I’m not going to pry it from her fingers you freak, she’s going to die soon why can’t you just wait?”

“I need the money now.  What’s her use for it?”

“Good point.”

“ Where’s Rob that dingus. He’s always late.”

“Ever since he got out of the slammer he’s been all f*$#ed up.”

“ Well he needs to get his life together and stop carrying a jack daniels bottle around with him everywhere he goes, I’m tired of the dirty looks in public.”

“Oh leave him alone Jenny you’re not that much better, you’re trying to steal your grandmothers wedding ring so you can buy a flat screen for the super bowl.”

“ HEY IT’S NECESSARY OKAY?”

“ Ya, tell that to Nana when she wakes up and he ring is gone.”

(jennie pretends to wimper)

“She would’ve wanted it this way.”

(Rob stumbles into the house, randomly through the window.)

“ What the hell are you doing?”

“ uh, I don’t know, the door was locked.”

“You need to chill with the drinking you idiot, now be quiet you’re gonna wake up Nana.”

“Did you grab the ring yet?”

“I’m working on it dingus, she’s been in and out of sleep all night, that damn rocking chair keeps creaking.”

All of sudden the grandmother jumps up in a panic, in her hand she’s holding a small hand gun, the three grandchildren hit the ground. 

“Nana what are you doing!!”

“WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!”

“Nana calm down it’s just us!”

“No no no, someone was trying to steal my ring, I heard ya!”

“ Nana go back to sleep, you’re having another fit.”

The grandmother just drops to the ground and fell asleep, the grandchildren grab her ring and joyously run out of house bragging about how rich they will soon be.  They finally arrive at the pawn shop, the pawnbroker has incredible news to share with the three siblings, the ring is fake, and is worth no more than 25$.  While the grandchildren weren’t paying attention, their grandmother switched out the ring with a fake and hid the real one.  They all looked at each other in disbelief and never tried to steal from their grandmother again. 

Synecdoche

I wish I never ended up here.  I wish I could go back to my old life.

Don’t do it.

Everything has changed.  My job, my family, it’s all gone.

You don’t want to do this.

How did I do this to myself, how could I have let this happen to me of all people? My future was so bright, I was going to college and everything was perfect.

I bet you wish you could redo that night, but you can’t and never will.

If I never got in the car that night, he would still be here.  I killed him.

Don’t jump.

There’s no point anymore, I killed him.

You killed him.

 I know and there’s getting him back.

Jump. We all want you to do it. You’ll be in a better place. 

Angry Letter

Angry Letter

Dear People of America,

                You’re Dunkin Donuts obsession is really starting to piss me off.  Since I do work in a Dunkin Donuts establishment, I really do understand how absolutely ridiculous people can be when it comes to their coffee.  God forbid you put two creams instead of three or you accidentally give them five hash browns instead of six. All hell seems to break lose if one thing goes wrong.  But in case you people haven’t noticed, I don’t have time to sit there and make sure your coffee and entire meal is absolutely perfect considering I’m busy making coffee’s for other 600 people that come through the drive thru at eight o’clock on a Saturday morning. Now if you could please sit down and have just a smidgen of patience it would be greatly appreciated by every single Dunkin employee in this establishment.  Oh yeah, and if you could get your screaming kid that just wants a munchkin to calm down would also be appreciated.

                                                                                Please have an absolutely splendid day.

                                                                                                                Sincerely,

                                                                                                                        All Dunkin Employees.

Fan Fiction

Fan fiction

And there they were, finally face to face, Aria and Ezra, after all of the hurt and betrayal.  She could barely speak, after many attempts all she could manage to slip out was why? Why did he do this to her of all people and how she could betray not only her, but her friends and family.

“Why couldn’t you just stop!” Aria asked in desperation.

“I just couldn’t.” Ezra struggled to explain as he suddenly was overcome with emotion.

“Why, why did you do this to me, to my parents and my friends, you saw what it was doing to me and you just couldn’t stop?”

“You don’t understand Aria, I was trying to protect you.” Ezra pleading with Aria but you could see the pain and frustration in her eyes.

“So lying to me about who A really was, was supposed to protect me? Aria moved from the couch to the kitchen sink turned away from Ezra as she could barely stand the sight of him, she felt a great pain in her stomach and felt as though she was going to be sick.  Ezra  to her side.

“It’s so much more than that Aria that I can’t explain right now, you will all understand soon.  I’m on your side and I always was.”

“I don’t believe you! I never will again!” Wept Aria. Ezra grabs for Aria’s hand. Aria immediately breaks away.

“I don’t expect you to believe me right now.” Ezra hesitates, “I love you Aria and I’m going to fix this.”

“Then stop, stop doing this.” Aria begs.  

“Love you.”   Ezra leaves quickly before he begins to cry. He begins grabbing his head in frustration.  On his way to the elevator, his mind is flooded with thoughts.  The elevator doors open.  Standing there before him is Allison.  Before their eyes can even meet, he recognizes her.  There are no exchanged words. The elevator doors begin closing, Ezra quickly runs to stop the doors, but he is too late.  Just like that, shes gone forever.

Modest Proposal

Modest Proposal

Wake up. Scroll.  Sitting in the middle of class, scroll.  The last thing a person does before they go to bed, scroll.  It’s amazing how these 5 inch by 5 inch pieces of glass and plastic absolutely run the life of teenagers. Let’s just take a moment and imagine life without twitter, instagram, and pretty much any type of social media, also texting. What would people do with themselves?  God forbid we actually have a conversation with someone face to face and not through a keyboard on a cell phone.  Just picture this, a young couple out to dinner on a first date or even a married couple out to dinner after a busy week of working and taking care of the kids, and what’s their main focus? A cell phone. They aren’t even enjoying each other’s company because of a stupid cell phone is glued to their hands.  There is truly never a time in this generation where people are not absolutely glued to their cell phones.  If there is a technological malfunction, or if someone’s messages won’t send or if their twitter won’t refresh, it’s like it’s the end of the world. Parents seem to be buying their kids cell phones the day they turn ten years old, which is entirely the worst thing to happen to social media and twitter because if I see one more account of a ten year old posting selfies making duck faces I will lose all my hope in humanity as a whole.

                I propose that we remove all social media and technology permanently.  I mean hey let’s throw it back to the old days where people were using feathers and writing on rocks I mean really who needs technology.  Or maybe messages in a bottle and just hope it gets to the person you want it to. Or maybe I just want to go to my friend’s house, no need to call first I’m just going to let myself in the front door, no need to text them first.  And truthfully, what is the true meaning of twitter? News flash! No one cares if you’re using the bathroom and what you had for lunch. Twitter is probably one of the most unnecessary social media sites that causes the most drama amongst teenager.  Now, instagram is just a place for promiscuous girls to post hideous pictures making duck faces and for others to live vicariously through each other’s lives.  What could be more fun than that? Sounds like a great time to me. 

                Teenagers can’t even conversations with their parents because their only concern is the DING sound they hear go off in their pocket fifty seconds ago.  When was the last time you came across a teenager that didn’t have their cell phone glued to their hand where ever they went?  It’s like a drug, they cannot go a day without it and it’s constantly being used.  It’s like a nervous tick, god forbid they don’t use it for thirty seconds out of their day they might miss someone’s tweet or Instagram post, now we can’t have that now can we?

                Even myself, my dad must request that I do not use my phone when I am eating a sandwich which I find to be incredibly difficult.  My friends are in constant need of my attention and I must fulfill their requests. It’s kind of scary being entirely addicted to one a piece of technology.  Every detail in my life revolves around a cellular device which frankly is not ideal.  Any plans I make, revolves around my phone, me needing to cover a shift at work or come in early, revolves around a phone, it’s like it’s a crime to imagine the world we live in without technology, it’s just not acceptable for most people, technology is a necessity to live and pretty much for teenagers it’s entirely life consuming.

Timed Prompt

It was Christmas Eve.  Fog stuck to the tarmac at Lindbergh Field.  As my family and I are waiting to board our plane, a sense of uneasiness came over me.  I express my concern to my father but, he reassures me everything will be fine.  But still, I had such a negative feeling about boarding that plane.  Our flight number was called along with the gate number.  My parents began gathering their bags.  I was hesitating.  I knew something bad was going to happen and I was not going to allow my family on the plane.  My parents began to show great frustration when I refused to board the plane.  They did not understand why I was refusing to board to plane since I had flown countless times.  I expressed to them how I felt as though some thing very bad would happen if we got on that plane.  I begged them to take a later flight.  Unwillingly, they agreed. As we waited for our evening flight, my family and I were grabbing something to eat. On one of the televisions over head in the airport, I had noticed a breaking news segment on the news.  It was about a plane crash that had happened earlier that morning.  My parents looked at me in disbelief.  My Dad was trying to find out the flight number.  Surely enough it was our flight. I was just as shocked as they were.  How did I know something was going to happen to the plane?  Why did I know but no one else did? A sense of panic came over me.  Was this how I was going to be for the rest of my life?  Am I always going to know something will happen before it does?

one act play (draft)

Mother: what time is he supposed to come over?  Your father should be home around 7 and dinner should be ready by 7:30.

Daughter: Probably 7.  Do you think Dad will like him?

Mother: You know your father honey, he just always wants the best for you.

Daughter: Well hopefully he doesn’t ask him a million questions.  I don’t want to scare him off.

(The doorbell rings.  The boyfriend arrives to meet the parents for the first time. Daughter rushes to check her appearance in the mirror before answering the door.)

(Daughter to the boyfriend)

Daughter:  Hi my mom’s upstairs in the kitchen, are you freaking out because I cannot stand still.

Boyfriend: Well yeah obviously.  I just want them to like me.

(The couple proceeds up the stairs into the kitchen where the mother is preparing dinner.  She turns around quickly to see the boy standing behind the dinner table waiting to introduce himself.)

Daughter: Mom, this is Alex.

Boyfriend: It’s very nice to meet you, thank you for having me. 

Mother: It’s very nice to….wow….meet you Alex, we’ve heard a lot about you….didn’t hear about the full beard and tattoos..  I hope you guys are hungry, I’ve got a very nice meal planned.  Your father should be home soon…yeah we will see how that goes….  Give Alex a tour honey.

(The couple exits the kitchen quickly the daughter almost in a panic just awaiting the arrival of her father.)

Boyfriend:  You didn’t tell them that I had tattoo’s?!  Oh my god your dad is going to hate me! Why didn’t you tell me to shave my beard?!  I should’ve worn long sleeves,  I look like a bum!

Daughter: yeah that wasn’t exactly the reaction I was hoping for… I didn’t think they were going to mind the tattoos..

(father arrives home finally.  Everyone is on edge.  Alex jumps up to greet him at the door.)

Father: (coming through the garage door) No one brought the trash cans up from the side walk? I've told you, Jenna.. Oh hello!! I forgot we were having company tonight! I'm Jim. 

Alex: (putting out his hand to meet Jim's) Hello, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you, Sir. 

Father: (glaring at his arms and raising an eyebrow, sarcastically) Wow, that's some fancy craftsmanship you got on your arms.. 

Daughter: Dad... Are you kidding me? I would never be so ru-

Alex: (cutting her off) No, Jenna, it's fine. Don't be disrespectful to your after in front of me, please. (To the parents) I know I may not appear to be your idea of an ideal boyfriend for your daughter, because you want what's best for her. You want her to be with someone who will love her, cherish her, & treat her with nothing, but the uptmost respect. I can promise you both, I can be that. That's all I have been to her since the day we started talking 3 months ago. 

Father: Well a person who cares about my daughter that much I admire..come on son let's have a beer.